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I'm going to begin journaling offline more frequently than on.  




one pill makes you larger
and one pill makes you small
and the ones that mother gives you
don't do anything at all
go ask alice
when she's 10 feet tall

and if you go chasing rabbits
and you know you're going to fall
Tell 'em a hookah smoking caterpillar
Has given you the call
Recall Alice
When she was just small

When men on the chessboard
Get up and tell you where to go
And you've just had some kind of mushroom
And your mind is moving low
Go ask Alice
I think she'll know

When logic and proportion
Have fallen sloppy dead
And the White Knight is talking backwards
And the Red Queen's "off with her head!"
Remember what the dormouse said:

FEED your head"


Oh and I named my car Doobie.

quick fix

I need to write.
I need to stop starving myself
Of my favorite outlet.
I miss creating.
Even delirious
They’re a warm up.

You know-
They feed the fire
In my soul

I miss them.
I pretend that
They are a chore and I
Avoid them all day long
Even when they’re itching at me
Beneath my pores,
Screaming loudly behind closed doors,
Grinning manically at the controls,
And when I walk they whisper
Beneath my soles….

They’re fragments
And they are haunting
And daunting and leave me
I am so afraid
This way.

They are for me,
No matter how much
You may think
It is you that I think of
When I say that it is you
That I taste when I kiss
Anyone new.

They are for me,
No matter how many times
You think you feel
Like I said something real,
Something personal
Something near and dear.
Really I’m saying fuck you
Just not making it clear.

They are for me,
No matter how much desire
Makes me cling
With clenched nails
And curled toes
And later makes me write.
I write for me, and not for you.

They are for me,
Each little gift
Of rhythmical thought,
Pain, gain, worship,
Trial and loss.

Paper Bag

if you read, you'll judge

I found myself today, after an Al-anon meeting, in the RVMC bathroom, crying with my knees pulled into my chest.

I don't know why I feel so lonely. I had a dream last night that made me feel very sad. It was about a boy who made me feel love. No, loved. He had me in his arms, and I could feel his warmth in my dream. When I woke up, I felt a dose of heartbreak. Flash back to reality.

There is a reason God wants me to be alone right now. Not many get a chance to experience solitude. I am really learning important things, but I am also feeling pain. I am just realizing how low my self esteem truly is, yes, to this day. I need to learn new ways. So many things are a distraction. Substances and pleasures and people...

My family doesn't understand, and they ask me what's wrong? I can't explain it. And I am sorry it manifests itself as anger towards you, I do love you. I am just learning of a depth in myself that I thought was scar tissue. I thought I was more stable in myself to not depend on people and things to gratify how I feel about myself.

Overall, I am a confident girl, but I am beginning to see that... sometimes my persona is a show that runs itself. It's like an act I started practicing a long time ago that now controls itself. My mother taught me to cloak unhappiness well. Make it really pretty. But, like I said, I am learning new things.

I am learning that I don't pat myself on the back often. No matter how much I give, I always, always expect more of myself. That I am a perfectionist, and when I fail, the world comes to a screeching halt and that scares me. What I do will never be enough until I start to give myself credit where credit is due. My mom used my senior paper as an example. I put endless hours into those 9 pages, and when I was done it still wasn't good enough. I don't have to do this to myself. It makes me very sick.

Some of the things I have accomplished in the last 2 years, others haven't in a lifetime. It has to be good enough.

I am enough, just how I am. And I am learning to love myself.